What the FUCK am I doing?

Hell, why not have the word FUCK in my first ever blog post! In all honesty, I have no fucking clue what I am doing- thats what makes it great. I was laying in bed reading my latest book (ha I say that like Ive been an avid reader for years- Im sure I’ll touch on this at some point), Daring Greatly, when I heard ‘Dare now!’. Have you ever had those moments where the universe or God whispers to you and you respond ‘wait, WHAT?!’ And then the whispers come again…

If you have, then you know by this point in the conversation, your fears and insecurities have joined it and become the third wheel. The conversation sortof goes like this…

 

Universe: (whisper) Dare now!

Me: wait, WHAT?!

Universe: (whisper) Dare now!

Me: (get a little excited) (start dreaming of amazing possibilities)

Fear/Insecurities: HA! You may want to slow down before you look like a jackass.

Universe: (whisper) Dare now!

Me: wait a minute, wait a minute… but what if

Fear/Insecurities: STOP! you remember last time? yea you failed. what the hell do you think will happen? people are going to have a field day with you! youll get way too hurt and you cant survive hurt. you crumble at hurt. sit down and wait till the next opportunity comes…

Me: (excitement slowly turns to fear) maybe you’re right

Universe: (whisper) Dare now!

Fear/Insecurities: you can’t do it. you’re not good enough.

 

…and just like that the Universe stops talking and you and your fears and insecurities continue the conversation alone until you can’t take the feeling of fear anymore and stop fighting. I have this conversation daily with myself, my fears and the universe. In fact, I just had it 15 minutes ago. It’s the very type of conversation that took place in between my own two ears resulting in me creating this website. I have no flippin’ clue about websites, about blogs, or where I even want this whole concept to even take off too. But it doesn’t matter! I keep hearing ‘blog and social media’ lately. In all fairness, it didn’t just come out of no where one day. Its been in the back of my mind for a few years, but doubt has constantly overrode it when it even begins to stir; thus, I just shut it down and move on. 28398-Bren-Brown-Quote-Vulnerability-is-the-birthplace-of-innovation

For years, I let the fear of uncertainty burn the idea down within seconds. I didn’t even have time to finish my rebuttal with ‘yeah but what if I could!’. By the time “yeah but what if’ came to the forefront, my fears were so loud within that I couldn’t even hear ‘I COULD’. Yet I always had that feeling of disappointment immediately after. Again, fear didn’t let me defend myself before I found myself thinking of something off topic and moving on.

You see, those conversations end up one of two ways every time. Your fears and insecurities take over and you tune out the universe thus tuning out your dreams and desires; or you listen to the universe, tell your fears to fuck off and tap into YOU and take action. Either path is up to you. I haven’t quite figured out what causes me to go one or the other. I imagine if I did I would be a billionaire. I could bottle it up, sell it and watch the world kickass at making their dreams and desires come true.

So far all I know is it’s a feeling, a driving force within. My guess is I tap into vulnerability and I’m daring to be great. What gets me to that jump off point beats the hell out of me. And lets be honest, vulnerability is definitely a friccon’ jump off point- the feeling of vulnerability is by far the scariest yet addicting feeling in this world. I am finding myself lately listening to the universe. I am 100% uncomfortable with whatever I got going on. There is something amazing out there for me and I’m chasing it. I have no clue what it is, but I know it’s out there.

Ahh! You see, here comes my fears and insecurities talking again. It’s going something like this:

 

Fears/insecurities: Really Becca? You think there is this amazing world out there? what if there isn’t?

Me: No there is! I can feel it.

Fears/insecurities: you know people are doubting you and when you don’t find that thing you’re chasing, they are going to prove you wrong. they are going to say ‘I told you so’.

Me: maybe you’re right.

Universe: Dare now!

Fears/insecurities: what if you’re wrong?

cropped-screen-shot-2018-07-04-at-3-33-33-pm.png
are you a believer?

That’s where I have to end the conversation and give a big FU to my self-doubt.  It reminds me of when I was struggling with the concept of faith. I read in a book about someone else’s struggle and they stated, ‘who am I to say there is no God. If it works for them, maybe it can work for me. What do I have to lose?’ And the very same concept applies in this moment. Who am I to say there is no such thing as living a life greater then a 10 out of 10. Who am I to say I can’t live two times that or better yet, ten times!!

What do I have to lose? I have nothing but gains if I do. So here I go!

My first ever blog post! Here it is! I’ll sort the details out as I go. I’ll narrow down the goal and dream I have in regards to blogging. I’m even going to have to learn the in’s and out of webbing (I’m not even sure that is a word yet but knowing our generation, it probably is).

Oh fears, please shut the hell up! See, here they try to come again! However, right now (it can change moment by moment) I refuse to live inside those very walls that my self-doubt has created. So here I go! DREAMING BIG!

Dream big ladies and gentlemen. Whatever your dreams are, whatever the universe says to you, go for it! It will never steer you wrong. Let’s do them together 🙂

 

PS. And they still continue talking…

Fears/insecurities: it sounded much better when you were typing, but now that you’re proof reading it, it makes no sense. No one is going to read these.

Me: I think they will.

Fears/insecurities: you just had to edit that whole paragraph because it didn’t jive. cmon, you can’t be so nieve.

Me: ah damn maybe you’re right. what if people dont like it?

Fears/insecurities: exactly. they wont and you will just be disappointed and hurt. remember what happens when you’re hurt. you remember those feelings?

Me: they suck. Maybe I’ll just blog to myself and learn how to be a blogger first before I let the world see.

Universe: (whisper)

Me: what did you say universe?

Fears/insecurities: (feelings of disappointment and hurt)

… and now I have to shut the conversation off cause before you know it I won’t post and I wont share. SO FUCK YOU FEARS! I GOT THIS! I’M POSTING!

Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂

 

 

7 thoughts on “What the FUCK am I doing?

  1. Becca , tell your fears FU people will read your blogs and get inspired by you and rawness. Keep posting the universe is listening 😉

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  2. Nothing changes, if nothing changes! Let it rip Becca Jane. May the vulnerability fuel you and the judgements make you stronger. I’m so excited for you to begin this journey and feel lucky as fuck to be able to witness and experience what you have to offer the world. You got this!

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  3. Becca, I think you’ve made a great start to this “blogging”. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. I’ve always enjoyed listening to you in the past, so this should be fun! Go for it girl!!! 🙂

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