July 5th will always be a pivotal date in my life. Yes I am aware of being cautious when using such harsh words such as always or never, but I’d like to think I’ll never dull the significance of July 5, 2010. I can’t or I’ll forget who I was, thus causing me to lose sight of who I strive to be today.
I still can remember that early morning 8 years earlier. I sat on my green love seat in my one bedroom apartment. I was barely clothed when I rose that morning. I had a small tank top on and some boy shorts. My hair was in knots, makeup smeared from the night before and my body was aching. It wasn’t the typical physical ache you have when you wakeup the day after the 4th of July festivities either. It was as if my mind, body and soul were all tied down with chains and it felt like I had spent the last 11 years tearing through my life looking for the key to unlock them. I had officially hit rock bottom. I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically bankrupt and I knew it. That morning I no longer had the energy to continue looking for that key. I raised my white flag to life.
That morning I officially forfeited. Suicide became my only answer. There were several times through my adolescent years where the thought came in, but never lingered nor seemed like a solution. The thought of what would happen to my mother always popped into my head and scared away any thought of wanting to die. This morning, that didn’t even matter. I was numb and had no ability to feel for those I loved or those that I knew loved me.
As I sit writing this I can still see that 24 year old woman sitting in her chair. Fear of death did not haunt me, but the fear of staying the same did. I could not imagine going on anymore. The life I was living at that time, I thought it was the life I was given, I didn’t want it anymore. The thought of carrying my demons around with me while I looked for that key to freedom exhausted me. I couldn’t do it for one more second.
And so I retrieved my .9 mm gun I had under my night stand, returned to my seat in the living room and put it to my temple. My body is instantly remembering now. I have told my story in various settings before, but tonight it rings loud. I was so hopeless that I honestly believed suicide was my only answer. I thought of no one that would suffer, no one that would be affected. All I thought of was how I reached my limit on life and this was the end.
I don’t know what happened once I put my finger on the trigger. Something came over me. Some may say God, some may say lack of courage, I don’t know. I don’t know what makes my experience different from those that actually have committed suicide. I honestly don’t believe God wants any of us to die that way, nor do I think it is lack of courage. When you are that numb, that desperate, that hopeless, lack of courage has no weight. I probably will never know what it was that stopped me from pulling it. I’d love to say God but then someone could easily ask why God didn’t intervene when their loved one was there. And I refuse to accept God is punishing and picks and chooses who he helps. Maybe on my spiritual journey I’ll find the answer, maybe not.
Whatever it was that came over me I can still see it today. A little light, almost like a candle flickering in the distance came on in my soul. Where that light came from, beats the hell out of me. But that light saved my life. That light spoke to me and told me ‘just maybe there was hope’. Looking back I don’t even know how that is possible, how a person can be 100% hopeless, yet contemplate possible hope. Whatever happened though is the reason I sit here today. It is the reason I am alive and chose not to pull the trigger.
Due to my experience with death dangling in my face, I don’t question why others follow through and commit suicide. Still to this day I don’t question when I hear of others committing suicide. I personally know the unbearable pain one lives when their mind deserts the desire to live. However, I also know the life second to none I live today because I chose not to die.
Why share this? Because I know I am not the only one who has come face to face with suicide. I know I am not the only one who has woken up completely defeated and hopeless. I know I am not the only one who could not understand how there was another way to live. It all seemed impossible and something that just wasn’t in the cards for me. And I share because how can I be the best version of myself if I don’t expose the real me, every inch of who I am and how I’ve reached this point in my life.
Every one of us has a story. Whether you’re an addict and alcoholic, anorexic, workaholic, cheater, low self-esteem, trauma survivor, neglected, poor, bullied, divorced, depressed, over weight, abused, hurt too many times, abused, mentally ill, whatever your story is, it’s your story. Some chapters are beautiful and some chapters make you hold your breath until you reach the next one. However, all of those chapters make up who we are. I have some pretty crappy chapters. Some I wrote myself, some were written by others; yet each one of them has made me into the woman I am today.
I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret what led me there nor do I regret being there. It’s pretty hard to fathom sometimes but I know if any one of those things did not occur, I would not, I repeat I would not be who I am right now. And excuse me why I get off my humble horse, but Im pretty fucking awesome right now. I was awesome yesterday too and aiming for more awesomeness tomorrow, but you get my point. At one point in my life I did not feel awesome. And much of my behavior did not support being awesome.
At this point I may have lost some of you. I may have lost those of you who are currently struggling with loving yourself enough to call yourself fucking awesome or to say you love your life. I get it, I was once there too. And I write this paragraph specifically for you, yes YOU. The one who is crying right now. The one who is saying holy fuck that’s me. The one who just thought of throwing the towel in today. The one who is afraid tomorrow will come. The one who can’t manage to look themselves in the mirror. The one who hurts themselves daily. The one who is at the end of their rope. The one who continues to allow others to walk on them. The one who hates themselves. The one who is looking death in the face right now.
And I say to you, hold on for one more day. There are greater things out there for you. Your time to go is not now. Look within and if its too dark within you, use my flame. Believe that I believe. It can get better. Do you have to do work? Absolutely. In fact, it is gruesome work. Is it going to hurt? Hell yes. You’re going to doubt yourself and want to run. But is it possible to beat it? Yes! Yes times a million. The one thing I learned through all of this was it took the same amount of energy to fight my demons off as it did to face them. However, you only have to face them once and once its over, the time and energy spent on them goes to your dreams. If I can do it, you can do it. I believe in you. Again I remind you, believe that I believe.
Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂