60 raw truths about pregnancy

  1. Your nipples grow and grow and grow. I had no idea they could get that big. I do not think they address this in anatomy and physiology or I just missed it. But they become huge!
  1. You get a nasty after taste after eating anything edible, gum including, that lingers well after the food is gone. Food will no longer taste the same. You will miss it! The only way I found to combat the after taste was to continue eating.
  2. Massive amounts of heat get trapped under your enlarged breasts and they are always on fire. Due to this, the amount of boob sweat you have triples.
  3. You will need assistance shaving either from your SO or camera on your phone to make sure you shaved it all. Legs are included in this. I did the feel and go for awhile. As long as it all felt shaved, it was shaved.
  4. People will constantly comment on your size and become instant OBGYN’s. Tell them to fuck off politely or not so politely. And, no you’re not having twins. You’re just big.62bc6340cfda9cebeb5c95819baa1e4a--pregnancy-memes-funny-pregnancy-facts
  5. Focusing on your breathing can sometimes keep your vomit down. You will be willing to postpone any vomit as you become traumatized. To this day, I still dread it and hold off for as long as possible. 1 minute postponed is like a week postponed in your pregnancy book.
  6. People will start commenting that you’re going to have the baby any day now starting at 34 weeks. When you tell them you hope not or have 6 more weeks to go, they again become OBGYN’s and instant fortune tellers and tell you they would be surprised if you did. Well bitch, be surprised, because chances are I’m going over.
  7. You will wonder and dread how you’re going to make it 20+ weeks. Weeks in pregnancy land are fucking forever. They drag and drag and drag. There is no way there is only 7 days in a pregnancy week. No way!! (Once you have the baby, 7 days in a week seems way to little and the weeks add up quickly.)
  8. You will then dread and wonder if the baby is ever going to come starting at 36 weeks. You no longer enjoy pregnancy (if you ever enjoyed it at all) and are just over it.
  9. The last 3 weeks are the longest weeks of your pregnancy. 21 days is an eternity in your mind and body.
  10. The anxiety of waiting for baby to come can become overwhelming. Boredom sets in quickly. You over analyze every little thing. You swear your water broke (its just pee though, trust me).  You think every kick is a contraction and time them. You become obnoxious to yourself, while bored out of your flippin mind.
  11. You end up with endless hemorrhoids. By the time you’ve thanked god one disappeared, you curse the next one that showed up right behind it (literally haha). Just so you know they don’t go away during birth or after. One year down the road you’ll wonder how in the world you have one again, but you do. Accept them now, it helps the process.
  12. You will smell your pants or underwear, as it becomes the easiest way to see if you’re leaking or peed yourself. Nothing is off limits in your mind anymore. Every bodily function you have is questioned and/or inspected.
  13. You become a master at squeezing your vagina muscles when you’re about to sneeze. Wait till you’re out in public and forget. Took me one time until I swore off any pants that could not cover a pee spot.
  14. You time your bathroom runs so that you have just enough time to pee before you turn around and throw up. There is nothing more difficult then remembering to squeeze your vagina muscles at the same time your hurling into the toilet. It becomes an art almost.
  15. You run to the bathroom thinking you’re about to pee your pants only for a trickle of .0003 seconds to come out.
  16. Baby kicks become painful, especially when a foot gets caught in the rib cage or you’ve finally fallen asleep at 3am to be woken up to a jab to your insides.
  17. All the beautiful things about pregnancy eventually become annoying, frustrating and/ or painful. Everything is fleeting in pregnancy.
  18. The good news is every awful symptom of pregnancy ends. The bad news is it’s always replaced with another awful symptom.
  19. You will question your sanity. You will question your sanity multiple times. You will question your sanity multiple times in a day. And the answer you should arrive at is yes. Yes you are fucking insane. At least once you will be over the course of the 9 months. It is probably safe to say more then once, but I’ll air on the cautious side.
  20. If you aren’t a crier, you will be. You will sob at one point. Nose running, choking on spit, walrus chanting, type of sobbing. Don’t bother with tissues, it just prolongs you catching your breath and coming back to reality.
  21. Your arms and legs go numb towards the end. You cannot sleep on your side without cutting off all circulation and possibly running the chance of losing your arms pretty much. And to get the circulation going again is a full time job. You’ll still continue to do it though.Unknown
  22. By the time you’re due, sleep with be nonexistent. You will not think twice about being up past 4am for the 7th night in a row. This is where partners typically end up losing their life if they comment the next morning about how tired they are. Partners, I advise keeping those thoughts to yourself until you get to work.
  23. You have a feeling constantly of just ‘being off’. You do not feel like yourself for months and months and months. You wonder who you are and chances are don’t like the answer you come up with. It’ll adjust again after the baby so don’t get to attached to the description.
  24. Your rectum starts to burn once baby is head down. Randomly burn too. You want to itch it but it usually burns at times where pressing on your rectum isn’t seen as classy.
  25. People will offer advice when not asked, especially if you are planning on doing something they didn’t during their pregnancy, birth, and or parenting days. Again, fuck em. They are more then welcome to have another one and do it their way. Use this time to stand firm in your beliefs and if you’re not, educate yourself so that you are doing what is best for you and your child.
  26. I don’t think there is anything positive on google when searching your pregnancy symptoms. Stay away from the search bar. Call your OBGYN if you’re considered, not google. In addition, keep those concerns out of FB groups where a bunch of moms have the most horrific story to tell you of how their cousins, cousins best friend’s, neighbors girlfriend had to have an emergency c-section which saved her babies life. Yes there are serious conditions and symptoms but most of them are because you’re MAKING a goddamn human. Read that again, You’re making a goddamn human. Of course you’ll have symptoms you’ve never had before.
  27. Your clothes become too small and you debate wasting money on buying new ones when you only have a few more months to go. Financially it makes no sense, but stop being cheap and do yourself a favor, go buy some. Buy appropriate size bras, pants and shirts. It makes all the difference in the world. And if money is a concern, there are plenty of consignment shops for moms, as well as FB marketplace. On top of that, moms are always willing to help.
  28. You will still throw on clothes that are too small in the crotch or belly area and not care how crazy you look when you head to the grocery store. You’ll tell yourself you’re only going for a few things and the amount of energy it takes to redress yourself is too much. Look crazy, it is ok.
  29. You wonder when the last time you showered was. They become a lot of work, just as dressing and redressing yourself. To take the pressure off, know that pools and hoses are all appropriate classifications of methods of showering. It’s simple, as long as water has touched your body, you have technically taken a shower.
  30. Just like your nipples enlarge, every body part enlarges. Even your toes swell up and it becomes painful when you bend them.
  31. At some point your house will go to shit. Dishes will pile up, clothes will be scattered all over and you can’t remember the last time it was cleaned. It’s ok. That’s what friends are for, partners are for, or a cleaning service.
  32. You feel like a beached whale when you try to get up from any laying or sitting position. You perfect a roll and slide maneuver.
  33. Every pain you have at the end will cause you to stop what you’re doing and wait to see if labor is starting. You will be disappointed when you realize it’s not.
  34. Dark colored clothes hide many of leaks from when you pee yourself, breasts leaking or massive amounts of boob and body sweat.
  35. People start texting you at 39 weeks everyday asking if baby is here. Just wait till you go past your due date and the texts and calls start streaming in hourly. It is the most obnoxious thing. It is basically a reminder that you are still miserable, carrying around an extra 40lbs and another day has been wasted.
  36. You create a habit of looking at your toilet tissue every time you wipe. If you had infertility prior to, this will be your entire pregnancy.
  37. You and your SO will fight towards the end. Just know it has nothing to do with what you’re fighting about and all to do with fears regarding the new addition. It’s normal but it sucks when you add pregnancy hormones. It especially sucks when you haven’t encountered #20 yet. Surprise, here it is!
  38. You question what you have done and even debate wanting to be pregnant and have a child. You’ll feel like an awful mom. It passes and is totally normal.
  39. Some people will become offended if you plan to go natural. They’ll try and talk ‘sense’ into you. Fuck em’, do you girl!
  40. Sitting, laying and standing becomes uncomfortable at the end. FYI that leaves you with zero positions to get comfortable in and sucks when boredom has set in.
  41. People become offended if you don’t find out the sex (Best surprise ever though. I highly recommend it for everyone! It is like reliving Christmas at the age of 5 all over again).
  42. Everyone comments about what you’re having based on how you look. Everyone contradicts everyone with their theories. And then the random people that were right (they seem to forget they have a 50/50 shot) parade around with the ‘I knew it. I called it. I told you so’s.’
  43. People become fearful that your water will break if you’re out and about. Do they assume you’re supposed to just sit at home and wait? Go out and do things. Keep your mind occupied. So what if your water breaks, chances are you’ll have plenty of time. (Public Service Announcement: I understand your cousins, cousins best friends, neighbor had her baby 33 minutes after her water broke so please refrain from examples of where this doesn’t apply.)
  44. People start commenting not to do something because you’re pregnant. You do get to continue living life you know.
  45. You grow up thinking there is a set way for pregnancy and birth, but there isn’t. Educate yourself and learn about your options.
  46. Check with your insurance on what it covers during pregnancy and birth. You will be surprised, it’s not all cut and dry.
  47. A breast pump feels super awkward at first and looks even more awkward when you watch your nipple get suctioned in by a funnel. And then it becomes second nature and you pump in the oddest places. I am a regular pumper in the car. I wonder how many people have seen me?
  48. If you’re having a boy you will need to discuss and research circumcision vs intact penis’s. It can get uncomfortable for some. The things you don’t realize. I never really had to consider penis care as I don’t have one nor did it dawn on me, I’d address penis things. I am sure the same applies to dad’s and daughters. You learn something new everyday.
  49. You will get to a point where you really can’t bend over and pick things up anymore. You spread your legs out as far as you can and hope you can get down and back up without assistance. May the force be with you.
  50. You huff and puff just from putting pants on. For entertainment, watch a pregnant lady put shoes on or even better, I attempted to paint my toenails at 38 weeks. Boredom kicked in. What can I tell ya.
  51. You search for labor stories that mirror the same symptoms you are having at the moment in hopes it means baby is coming. Baby isn’t coming so just become disappointed now.
  52. If you go past your due date, you will wonder how you’re even going to make it through one more day. You no longer count how many weeks till baby is here, but now you count how many days late baby went over.
  53. People will constantly, I mean constantly comment and joke about how you’re about to have no life once baby comes (no shit Shirlock). It is one of those things you just don’t understand until you actually have no life, so its a wasted comment.
  54. The mucus plug is gross. It’s a huge glob of jelly like slime that just appears on your toilet tissue. I don’t need to give a full description as you will google images of it at some point. Trust me.
  1. Yes you are fat. Yes you are totally disproportioned and don’t look like yourself anymore. It is okay. You’re growing a human and eventually you’ll have your body back to just yourself.
  2. People will tell you all the tricks of the trade to get labor started. None of them work so don’t bother. You’ll just add to your crazy. Just take care of yourself at the end and pamper yourself, pamper yourself, pamper yourself.
  3. Have an idea of how you want birth to go and the first few weeks there after. You can bring a spreadsheet of the exact plan, but it may not go that way. You can be clueless and look back regretting not educating yourself. Or you can meet in the middle and have an idea of what you’d like but be flexible.
  4. No there are not two in there and you wont be surprised with a second during birth regardless of how many people said you were having twins based off of your size. Again, hold off on your cousins, cousins best friends, neighbors bullshit.
  5. You have no fucking clue what you’re about to be in for. Just you wait. No one can prepare you, no one can warn you, no one can educate you for life after pregnancy. It is all just a trial and error, live and experience kind of journey. Enjoy it though. It goes by awfully fast.

Pregnancy was not much fun for me. Overall, I rate it a 3. There were beautiful moments and I loved having my daughter with me at all times, but it is fucking hard. Women are IMG_1084warriors. I realize how powerful women are made. Make sure you take care of yourself and you don’t take yourself so seriously during it all. Before you know it you’ll be looking back and wondering how on earth you have a 6 month old. Time is too precious and you can only experience your pregnancy once. Don’t regret it when you look back on time. Laugh, cry and enjoy the ride!

Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂

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