avoidance, fears, insecurities, judgement

EXPOSED: It doesn’t matter how many like you, it matters the one who doesn’t

I can count on all my toes and fingers, plus yours, how many times I have said ‘I don’t care what they think.’ It is a common phrase that just slips out of my mouth from time to IMG_8261time. However, it is much more complicated then simply saying ‘I don’t care’ and then not caring.

I want to be liked. I desire to be liked and it hurts my feelings when I am not. It especially hurts my feelings when someone doesn’t care for me and I believe I have been genuinely polite and nice to them. I just can’t wrap my head around it because I honestly and truly believe they have no valid reason to not like me.

Trust and believe I have plenty of qualities that are not ranked Top 10 ways to get someone to like you.

  • I am stubborn (although so much better then say 5 years ago).
  • I am standoffish.
  • I am independent (to a fault sometimes).
  • I am strong willed.
  • I am blunt.

And I could carry on but I am feeling myself these days (add confident with a hint of cockiness) and don’t feel like messing with my positive ju-ju, so we’ll stop there with the character defects. And I’d like to think that I know when I display most of these qualities and think I own my side of the street pretty regularly when I show them. So when someone gossips about me, talks poorly of me, or flat out does not like me, my feelings get hurt.

Lately, several people in my life have not taken to me very well. I have one particular person who has not liked me since we met a few years ago. For whatever reason, we have just not jived. And ever since I have been bothered. Some days I do great with it and it does not get under my skin as quickly or for as long, we’re talking 2-3 seconds. Other days, I question me and who I am. I wonder, what will they think? Are they talking about me? Are they rallying the troops? Are they right?

Why? Why does it matter what they think of me? Is their opinion more important than the one I have of myself? Although the answer should be and is NO, some days, their opinions are much louder in my head than my own.

Why does it matter if they are talking about me? I’m not there anyways to hear it, but I sure as shit run the conversation they are having about me through my head for a few minutes. I basically perform my own Shakespeare play in between my own two ears and I play all of the characters.

Why does it matter if they are rallying the troops against me? Are they that powerful that a whole clan is out to burn me down? Better yet, am I that important that a whole clan is interested in burning me down? As much of a hint of cocky as I can add to my confidence, I do know I am not that important, but in the moment it really does seem like it is them against me.

And lastly, are they right? Self doubt is a killer to all action and runs silently through us all, over and over without us even noticing.

All the other questions and concerns that come up when someone does not like me and openly shows their dislike always end up with me questioning, am I right? This question will cause me to back peddle my thoughts, rerun all my options over and over, wondering where they stopped agreeing. It causes me to hang my head slightly so that my eyes make contact with the floor instead of them and say anywhere between two to six things that are not nice about myself, to myself. That one question, am I right, will cause me to avoid interactions, avoid things I enjoy or committed too, and cause me to hide, making myself smaller then what I am.

I am really asking myself, am I good enough? I’d love to sit here and say I am a badass and I don’t give one flying fuck who likes me and who doesn’t, but I would be lying. As hard as it is for me to admit, I care.

What does this have to do with exposing myself? What tid bit of information did I expose so you can get to know me better? How can I go from sharing my personal struggle with suicide or being sexually assaulted, to sharing that I care what people think of me? Because I am human and not everything is a huge massive WOW factor. Not everything has to be the ‘go big or go home’ motto. Some things are subtle. Some things are small. Some things are just ordinary life.

IMG_8260I have self doubt no matter how much I love myself. So everyday I have to decide whether I am more important or they are. And 99.9% of the time I choose me, but there is that .1% that still gets me caught up . And it’s crazy, it doesn’t matter how many people say they like me or tell me I inspire them, it’s that one person who doesn’t like me that hurts. Damn that one person 🙂

 

Toodles, Becca Janes 🙂

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s