Welp, cat is out of the bag now I’d say 🙂
Up until now I have yet to air my laundry regarding my addiction to drugs and alcohol. It usually just never fits nicely into a conversation. I prefer to not broadcast it as there is a stigma that comes with addiction in society. We are looked at as junkies and drunks that live under the bridge and drink out of the brown paper bag. We have robbed so many of our loved ones, whether it be of time, memories or material items that society has turned their nose to so many of us. So I will admit, sometimes I keep my addiction to myself because I’d rather not be judged for what I was, but rather for what I am today.
Today, I am so many things. I am confident, I am loving, I am giving, I am a boss lady, I am a life coach, I am silly, and I am a mother are just a few of the great things I am. I also am a woman with 8 years clean and sober. July 4, 2010 was the last time I smoked, drank and popped pills. I shared in one of my very first blogs (Suicide seemed to be my ONLY answer) that on July 5th I came one finger away from pulling the trigger on my .9 gun. Not only was I severely depressed, ridden with fear and hopeless, but I was also running from the despair drugs and alcohol left me in.
I was a shell of a person. I lied, cheated and stole from anyone around me. I hated the person in the mirror, but could not stop. It was everyone else fault but mine. If I wasn’t given the life I had, then things would have been different and I wouldn’t be so miserable was my philosophy. There was so such thing as God in my eyes, as he would never put good people on this earth for bad things to happen too. I remember having a huge debate one night with someone regarding this concept. There was no way there was anything greater then me in this world, because if there was, why wasn’t I being saved. Instead, I was left to fight and fend for myself (or so I thought).
I am proud to say that is not my philosophy today and I have a great spiritual connection but that is for another day, another EXPOSED blog. For some, being an addict and alcoholic may come as a surprise. How could I be right? Here is this person with such positivity and drive, there is no way she once was ‘that’ girl. I’ve had to work my ass off at being that positive and driven person. I once was the most angry, self-centered, egotistical person some have ever been around. I was not who I am today.
I had to work at it and I had to work hard at it. I can remember one night sitting in my bedroom upstairs at my parents house (I lost my apartment and job and had to move back into my parents house) rocking back and forth to soothe myself as I was wondering how in the hell I was ever going to pull myself out of the dark hole I was living in. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel but I continued to trudge along. I put one foot in front of the other and I kept at it.
Slowly I made my way up and out of that hole. Today I am that light at the end of that tunnel. Instead of looking for the end and wondering if I’ll ever get there, I enjoy the journey. I was told the joy is in the journey and not the destination. I was tremendously moved by Demi Lovato’s song yesterday ‘Sober’. It send chills up my arms. I heard her hopelessness and despair in her voice. It is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease and if she can have the courage to say she relapsed to millions of fans, I can have the courage to tell my people, my clients, and my followers too. So here is my EXPOSED: Special Edition, an extra blog for this week for those of you who have subscribed and followed me this far. ‘Hi, my name is Becca and I am an alcoholic and addict.’
I would also like to take the time to say thank you to all of you who have supported me over the last three weeks as I branch out and put myself out there to start my business. It is scary, really fucking scary but it’s where my heart beats and my soul sings. Helping others by sharing my story of how I was once bankrupt in all aspects of my life but have
turned my life around and live everything I never imagined was possible, gives me life and allows me to pay it forward. I lived too long in that dark and dreary hole, that I refuse to go back there unless it’s to pull you out and up with me. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me, cheering me on and asking how you can help. I appreciate you all. Keep reading and sharing with anyone you think can benefit from my story. I love you all.
Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂