I have found a few topics that can get a crowd going and God by far makes that cut. People either get so turned off by the G-word mentioned or people wet the inside of their panties talking about Him. There is no middle of the ground usually. You either believe or you don’t and depending on what side of the fence you sit, you will not hear the opposing sides belief.
If you think about it, all personal beliefs aside, it’s rather odd. You are asked to believe in this ‘thing’, this human per say due to calling Him, a him, yet he doesn’t exist. No one has proof. People who limit their beliefs typically have a hard time understanding the concept. I sure as hell did. In fact, I 100% would swear up and down there was no such thing as God. He absolutely did not exist.
There truly was no such thing as God in my world. It was a thing people referred to, but they were foolish and lying to themselves. Some people who are uncertain may find themselves saying a quick little prayer when they get jammed up or things aren’t going their way. It goes something like, ‘God, if you get me out of this one, I promise I’ll stop spending my money on dumb shit and save it,’ or ‘ God, I know we don’t talk much and I doubt you all the time, but I could really use some support right now.’
Sound familiar to some of you? Yea, that wasn’t me. I didn’t even ‘pretend’ to call on him in times of despair or at any crossroad. I remember being a part of a conversation once where God got brought up amongst several people. I gave my two cents and believe I dropped an F-bomb every other word.
It went something along the lines of, ‘There is no fucking such thing as a fucking God. Ya’ll are fucking stupid to believe in such a fucking load of shit. Fuck that. No fucking way.’
I told you God makes the cut whenever you want to get the pot stirred a little amongst people. I was always willing to stir it and voice my lack of belief. Looking back, I am not sure if my hostility and anger was due to feeling let down by Him or the fear of having to believe aka lean on someone other then myself. It meant they could abandoned ship and fail me. Whose knows, maybe it was a little of both. Whatever caused my anger, I held onto it for years. No one could tell me any different.
And then one day, I read in a book, ‘who am I to say their is no God?’ Well then! Reading that was a swift kick to my ego and leveled my pride instantly. I immediately fought back of course, as any good, stubborn and frightful human does, but it lingered and I never shook it.
I always used the line, ‘There is no such thing as God. If there was, why would he put good people on this Earth for bad things to happen too?’
It was my escape to why I shouldn’t believe. Bad things happened to me, yes. They were unfair and should never happen to someone, but they did. And instead of finding a solution, I chose to live in anger, resentment and despair. I wanted someone to blame for the things I went through instead of taking them for face value. Before you jump down my throat and tell me I’m out of my fucking mind, I don’t know your story, let me explain myself.
We are not immune from being dealt an awful hand. Some people are dealt awful hands, over and over and over. People do really bad things in this world. People make really bad decisions. People hurt others, like really hurt others. Life events are unfair at times. However, those events stop the minute the event is over. Easier said then done. I know! I carried my trauma with me for years and blamed God for it. It was easier to blame and carry it behind me like a shield of armor, then to face it and rebuild up the confidence it robbed me of.
Everyone has baggage, everyone has skeleton’s in their closets, and everyone has things they are really embarrassed and ashamed of. All those demons I had, I pushed them onto God and stopped doing business with him. Until I read that line, ‘who am I to say there is no such thing as God?’
I still fought the concept for a few years but eventually I became willing to become willing to possibly believe. If that isn’t the most uncommitted act of believing I don’t know what is. I wasn’t even willing, but I was at least willing to be willing. And even that was too much of a commitment and I had to add willing to be willing to possibly believe. Hey, whatever it took right? I just had to start somewhere.
I remember talking with my dad one day about my doubt and skepticism about this thing people called God. This Higher Power, heebie-jeebie bullshit. He recommended talking to my dogs. At the time its was my beloved Capone and Poseidon. Looking back, I don’t think Jarvis would have been much of assistance. He doesn’t appear to be the helpful, humble, spirited kinda guy my other two boys were. (Got to love Jarvis though!) When I laughed and asked what they had to do with God, he told me you talk to them everyday don’t you? Well yea! So why not add in some line asking them for help for the day.
You got to be kidding me I thought? Ask my dogs for help? What the fuck are they going to be able to do for me. And again, that one line rang through my head, ‘who are you to say there is no God?’ This time I heard another liner, ‘what do you have to lose if you are wrong?’
I spent great lengths trying to answer that question so that I did not have to believe. I did not want to rely on ‘something’.
What if that something failed me?
Oh but what if that something helps you?
And at that point I started talking to my dogs. I asked them for help before I left for work in the morning and I thanked them upon going to bed at night. I was desperate. I was tired of living the life I was living. And I was tired of feeling the way I was feeling. I hated who I was and I saw little to no hope. So at that point, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Over time I started asking for help more then just before I left in the morning. When I was upset or frustrated or sad, I’d catch myself asking either Capone or Poseidon for help. And then it started to cause me to possibly believe something could help before fear stepped in and told that idea to go to hell. More and more I found myself possibly believing there was something bigger then me that had better plans for me. They had to right? No one wishes someone to waste away their life living at rock bottom, do they?
Then one day I found myself saying the same lines I used with my dogs, but this time I was looking up at the sky. I would add, ‘I don’t what the fuck I’m looking up at or if you’re even there, but I need help. Please!’ And it grew and grew until my willingness to be willing to possibly believe grew to a definite I believe.
I don’t consider myself religious by any means. I cannot recite one line from the bible. I couldn’t even tell you the 10 commandments if you asked me to name them right now. I own no bible, nor have I read a bible since I began believing in God. And guess what, that’s ok. I do business with my God today and how it looks may not cut the bill for some, but it doesn’t matter. It works for me. (Take it up with your God lol)
I look back on all the years I refused to possibly believe there was something and wonder how I made it those nights without Him. Does he come swooping down from the heavens, wrap me up in a silk blanket and carry me to safety? Fuck no! He just listens and it takes the pressure off of me. I can’t screw it up that way and what a relief that is to know. I find bits and pieces of calmness during storms, I find truth during times of uncertainity and I find confidence during times of doubt.
I can’t recall the specifics but someone asked if I could meet God, would I? And the answer is no. I use God to help guide me when I don’t know where to go. I use God to strengthen me when I think I’m incapable. I use God to lean on when I cannot see the rainbow. If I met him, I would be afraid he wouldn’t be there or worse, he’d be just like Oz, a regular guy behind the curtain. I can’t have that, he’s become my safety net.
It takes courage to release the reigns of your life and believe in something that you do not know exists. Thats scary shit right there! But I do know, my life is easier when I rely on something greater then me. Don’t call him God if that word makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Use Universe or Higher Power or Energy. Call faith whatever you want, I just recommend finding it.
When I couldn’t take one more step in my shoes and the price to not be willing to be willing to possibly change was too high a price, I looked around me at others who had what I wanted and found that God was in their life. I was beyond pissed to find out that was the answer. However, today, I am grateful that it is. It comes of no cost, no liability and no regret. I simply believe and life becomes a little easier.
Who was I to say there was no God? And boy would I have lost a lot if I didn’t.
Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂