I used to be a pro at self-sabotage. Before anything could go wrong, I’d screw it up. Who am I kidding, I completely and absolutely fucked it up (I was trying to watch my language for a second but it’s not me and it’s not how I get shit across)! Of course I didn’t know that was what I was doing, but it was exactly that. I have so many stories of self-sabatoging that I would need a whole series of novels to tell them all. Looking back and reciting them all to myself tonight, makes me sad for that person I used to be. I used to be someone who didn’t love the person in the mirror. I used to not believe in myself and think that I was not capable of anything more. And when something more came along and entered my life, it felt so uncomfortable. I wasn’t just waiting for the other shoe to drop, I was waiting for the whole shoe store to bury me.
There are two distinct stories that come to mind where I really just buried myself out of self-hate and doubt. Ultimately it was fear of happiness. Yes you read that right. Happiness frightened me for a long time. I did not know how to act or what to do when happiness came around. It felt wrong, as if I was sinning. So like I said, I would purposely cause life to crash down on me.
I did that in one of the relationships I was in. I’ve only had a few, in fact a few sounds like too many. Three to be exact. The other half dozen serious relationships and dozen ‘fun’ relationships were nothing more then being used, cheated on and disrespected. Why would I settle for anything more when I didn’t think I was worthy of a healthy relationship. I had that one abusive and degrading relationship early on which I allowed to shape my future relationships for awhile. And when one of the three came along it felt awful. Being treated with respect and kindness was not something I was used too so it felt uncomfortable.
How flippin crazy? I was so used to being called names by boyfriends and myself, that when someone didn’t call me names, it felt weird. Shaun (obviously not his name right) and I had fun together. It felt great at first with a side of unease. I was waiting for that shoe to fall for awhile, I even went looking a few times for it. We eventually moved in together and then made some life decisions together. No shoe fell for several years and I started getting uncomfortable. Where was it? There is no way I was worthy of this kind of relationship. And instead of working on myself and facing the inside voices that were telling me I was a piece of shit and didn’t deserve what I had, I did what any good self-sabatoger does, I cheated.
I purposely went out and cheated. I can’t even say it was subconsciously either. I set out to cheat so that I could come back, confess my sins, be told I was a piece of shit and be left in the wind. Unfortunately, none of that happened and I had to face the fire. There was no name calling, there was no bashing, nor was there any leaving me high and dry. It was a pretty painful experience. It still is in the sense that at one point in my life I was so beat down inside that I had to hurt myself and someone else I cared about to have a sense of ‘comfort’. I was more comfortable in pain and hatred towards myself then I was in experiencing joy and happiness. My own beliefs of myself were so ingrained with the need for self destruction that it did not matter who was effected.
What I realized later in life and can reflect on today, is that I hurt those around me that loved me the most. Love from good, genuine and honest people scared the hell out of me. There was no way someone could love me if they knew the ‘real’ me, the version I thought I was at the time. And so whenever someone did, I destroyed it or hurt it.
And my mother is another prime example. I did the same thing to her as I had done to Shaun a few years later. If any of you had the pleasure of knowing Momma Jane, you know she was such a kind, loving and giving woman. And she was that times 100 towards my father, brother and I. Back in October 2010 I was flown home from Virginia to see my parents for an intervention. I weighed a whopping 125lbs (for the record, I currently weigh 184lbs which gives you a pretty good picture of how deathly sick I looked and makes for another EXPOSED). For several days I embraced being around my mom and dad. I hadn’t been home for awhile and missed the love that lived in their house.
I remember sitting in my room and looking around at what had come of my life. I was living in my parents house with only a suitcase of clothes and my two dogs (boy I miss those two boys by the way). I did nothing over the years recently to deserve my parents unconditional love. In fact, I started to recite all the times I called them and lied about needing money. I reflected on all the times I hurt my mother, especially in my adolescent years and how they shouldn’t have to clean up after their grown ass daughter. I marched downstairs and into the living room where my pops and mom were and began yelling at them. What I said I can’t recall, except for the line, ‘why the fuck did you bring me home if you aren’t going to help me?’ (And yet again, another EXPOSED article for another Tuesday!)
I was hoping just like I did with Shaun that she would say, ‘you’re right, you’re a piece of a shit, no clue why we asked you to move home, go get your shit and get out.’ And Momma Jane did not even come close to any of that. She put her book down, looked at me and let me continue yelling and blaming for a few minutes. And when I was done, she calmly stated, ‘why don’t you go to an AA meeting tomorrow and if you would like, I can bring you down to Bridges and we can start there for help.’ (For those of you who are unfamiliar with Bridges, it is a non-profit organization that helps women of sexual assault and domestic violence.)
You see at that point, just like all the other times I couldn’t handle the inside pain, anything that challenged those inner thoughts made me uncomfortable. Therefore, I had to self destructed and send tornados to ransack my life. Emotional pain does so much damage in ones’ life. It is so heavy and so detrimental that people do crazy things just to get a minute of ‘comfort’. Unfortunately, the comfort they often seek is the path of least resistance and it is only temporary. It is fleeting and lasts a few minutes if you’re lucky. It never stays and it never is the real deal. There is no comfort in self destruction, it is just a mirage. The only way to obtain relief and true comfort is to create beliefs of being enough.
I am sad for the person I used to be. I settled for so little, in so many areas. The worst part is I didn’t have too. I was unaware of the self doubt that I carried around for years and years. And once I started to realize it, it felt so uncomfortable and painful to address, that I continued to pretend I was going to muscle my way through it. You cannot muscle your way through ingrained beliefs. You must face them and recreate new ones. The only way to reshape them and recreate the person you want to be is to know where you are not enough, where you self destruct and where you settle for less. It is then that you can tell those beliefs to go fuck themselves, that you found much better replacement!
Incase no one told you today, you are enough. There is a life outside of your painful comfort zone, waiting for you to explore. If you are unsure of how to get there, let me guide you. If you are half way there and need a refresher, I got some water. And for those of you that don’t believe yet, it’s okay. I will believe until you’re ready too. You are enough! In fact you are more than enough, you are FUCKING AWESOME!
Instead of counting down until the shoe falls, count down and tell yourself just that..
‘I’m FUCKING AWESOME!’
Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂