Boudoir has been a touchy subject for me for a long time for a few reasons. I used to think it was for women who were seeking men approval instead of wanting to look within. I thought women took out every piece of lingerie they owned, threw it on and spread their cheeks for the camera. And then of course had to plaster it up all over their social media, tallying their likes, comments and DM’s.
And then I started dating a photographer which didn’t help the boudoir campaign for awhile. Jay and I had a few go arounds of disagreements regarding it all. On top of that, he made some not so jiggy choices early on in our dating days that put a few sour tastes in my mouth. Looking back, I still had some freshly open insecurities then and all of it combined, just made for some hard truths to deal with.
Because I couldn’t look at myself with respect and love more than I did with distrust and hate, I couldn’t towards other women either. And again I am reminded we see the world based off of the lenses we choose to look through. Now that I own my body, my fears and my insecurities on most days, I am able to look at other women in the same light. I don’t have to be frightened by another woman who has a killer ass, perfect stomach and a gorgeous face as a threat, a challenge or a test. I can honestly look and say ‘damn girl, you’re killing it!’
I have seen the growth over the last six years regarding my self-esteem, but today, especially right now as I write this article, I am blown away with how far I have come. Sometimes you really don’t know how bad it was until you are looking back.
I hated myself. I nit picked my body. I can’t tell you how many times I told myself I was fat and ugly. It was thousands of times in a day I bet. And don’t get me wrong, I can still comment on my weight, I can still feel like death ran over me on days, but I am not at the mercy of my insecurities regarding my self-worth and beauty today. I was so insecure regarding myself that I had to find fault in prettier, skinnier, sexier females than myself. It was the only way to justify why they were better than me. It was the only way I could at least pick my head up high enough to pretend I was secure enough while in the public eye.
When you believe you aren’t enough, you are constantly reminded of how you don’t match up in a world of millions of people around you. It is damaging and burns your soul. My heart hurts for that female I used to be. My heart hurts for that little girl inside that had to hear the awful things I told myself. And my heart hurts for the other females I had to put down in my own mind to feel like I was at least enough to be alive for that moment.
It amazes me that the boudoir shoot today brought all of this up for me. It reminded me of how much of an amazing, badass, confident woman I have grown to become. I am fucking proud of the woman in those pictures. Is my body perfect? No way, but it still looks amazing. Why? Because I love the person inside of it. I love the things that that body has accomplished over the years, one of which was bring a beautiful child into this world a year ago.
Do I have dimples, cellulite, sagging boobs, and a stomach? At times, why yes I do. But you know what, who the fuck cares!? When you love you, when you love the person behind all of those imperfections, you don’t care. You find confidence and security behind the other things that you do have, instead of focusing on what you don’t have (or in my case, have but don’t want).
Even in the comfort of my own home, with a man who has seen me naked more times than not, who loves me no matter what, I was still uncomfortable at first. It was like I was holding on to my old beliefs of what I could or couldn’t be. Slowly I started to enjoy it, be present and own who I am. It’s not easy getting behind a camera, let alone half naked. Despite all of that, I am so glad I said yes to doing the shoot.
Are these pictures for everyone? Of course not. Will I have some haters, probably. I would have been one if this was me reading this article 6 years ago. I would have turned my nose up, determined the woman in the photo was insecure, lacked respect for herself and very well was a skank. You know who I would have been describing though? The person I thought I was.
And because I look at life through different colored lenses today, I see beauty, confidence, and one hell of a woman now. I am in a boudoir Facebook Group (Clara’s Peaches) and I see all the amazing photos she takes and posts of her peaches. Each one of them I absolutely love and it is because I find women beautiful today. I don’t see them as a threat or as another person showing me how I don’t measure up.
This article is for all the women who don’t believe they are enough, who feel inferior to other women, and who wish they were someone different. I have been in your shoes. I have felt what you feel. Believe in yourself. Believe you are worth it. Believe you are enough. Because you are!
Photographer: Jay Pichardo jayphotodesign.com
Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂