I am 100% guilty of snooping through boyfriends cellphones. However, before I continue airing my trust issues around, I would like to admit that I am over 3 or 4 years clean from snooping 🙂
Now that we have that cleared, lets continue. Now I’m not talking here or there snooping, I am talking on a regular basis snooping. And it just wasn’t one boyfriend, it was absolutely every single boyfriend I have had and then some. God I can still remember the feeling it caused. My heart would pound. My palms would be sweaty. I would be so anxious and nervous to get caught, on top of anxious and nervous of what I would find. And I usually found shit but that is for a different day, different blog. I am sure I’ll need more then just one blog to talk about the disrespect and dishonestly I used to allow.
Whether I waited until my boyfriend went and took a shower or he fell asleep, I would use every chance I could get to find out the truth. I dated one boyfriend who had two cellphones. I clearly ignored that red flag. Whether it was exes, multiple women, additional girlfriends, new prospect, you name it, I found it. And every single time I made excuses, I lowered my standards or I pretended it didn’t exist. I cannot describe the crushing blow it would take to my stomach every time I found something. And the worst was when I looked at night and had to go through an entire night with them next to me. There were several times I got up in the middle of the night and just left boyfriends house because of things I found.
I remember one time, I had a feeling my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me. Things just weren’t adding up lately. He ended up leaving his cellphone unlocked one night before he went to take a shower and so I snooped away. When you are an avid snooper like I was, you check everything. Facebook, text, pictures, and even email. And sure as shit, there was an email chain about some dinner he was attending for a females birthday. He even stated he would pick her up. So as I snooped further along, I realized it was during the same night he had claimed her had some boys night gathering bullshit.
Well… there was the address and restaurant they were going too listed in one of the emails. So guess who decided to show up? Yours truly 🙂 It was rather well played on my part though I must say. You see, when you are a seasoned snooper, you have amazing ability to pull off some James Bond undercover shit. So I pretended my girlfriend and I were going out to dinner that night. When he continued to ask where we were going, I stated it was undecided, we’d pull straws when we got together. However, it was not. I got all dressed up like I was heading to dinner with my girlfriend. I even gave him a chance to come clean but he played along with guys night in with his buddies.
So I showed up, asked for a table for two and sat down. I sat down right in view of their lovely birthday celebration dinner. And of course, I got the ‘oh shit text’, stating that there were change of plans and he was going out to dinner. So I picked my head up, pretended I was waiting for my girlfriend to show up and looked around the restaurant casually. And then I spotted him. He was crouching down, trying to avoid being seen. Looking back, had I not been filled with anxiety at the time, I would have ordered some dinner and made him sit in pure hell the entire night trying to not be seen.
Anyhow, I pulled off the ‘OMG what are you doing here look’ when I made a visual of him. I casually walked over and asked how his boys night was. He sat speechless at the table for a minute until his date next to him chimed in and asked who I was. I explained since he was out to dinner he would have plenty of time to fill them all in and I walked out. Of course it couldn’t have just ended there. Two seconds into walking out the front door I heard a group of females barking orders at me from behind.
About 6 or 7 females cornered me in the parking lot demanding who I was, which I informed them I was now his ex girlfriend and they were more than happy to have him. A few more exchanges went on before I got in my car and left. Turns out, she was his girlfriend too and we had been sharing him for the past 3 months. He ended up getting her pregnant down the road and then later marrying her, so perhaps it was all meant to be. Hopefully he changed his ways.
Of course at the time, my heart was crushed. Here was yet another man who had lied, cheated and disrespected me. I lost count of how many men I picked and stuck with who did the same. Almost every single boyfriend, minus a few, have been disrespectful and dishonest. And because of that, I found it necessary to look at every single boyfriends phone.
I used to have so much shame and guilt doing it. I knew the answer. The answer was that if I couldn’t trust them enough, then I obviously had no business being with them. But the truth is, I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust myself enough to know how to only accept respect, honesty and loyalty. I didn’t trust myself enough to pick emotionally and physically available men. I didn’t trust myself enough to know when the red flags were flying, to walk away. I didn’t trust myself to love me enough.
And so for many years, I overcompensated for my lack of trust in myself by snooping. I validated it, reciting all the disloyal men I had been with, therefore justifying my snooping. I don’t care what has happened in your past, if you don’t trust the person you are with enough to give them their own privacy, then you have no business being in that relationship right now.
Unfortunately, we live in a time where cheating, lying and dishonesty is in everyones track record. Whether they did the dirt or the dirt was done to them, I am sure almost 95% of people have been played before. I know I fall into that category. Looking back, I wish I had more respect for myself. I wish I would have faced disappointment and heartache. I wish I believed I was worth more than accepting that type of behavior. I wish I took a look at what I needed to change within me. I wish I was more important.
I needed to trust myself and my judgement. I needed to trust that I would be equipped with the tools I needed to be ok. I needed to remind myself that no matter what, I would always be ok. Today I do. Today I know, no matter what, I got this. No matter what comes my way with family, mothering, work, friends, spouse, etc, I will be ok. I don’t have to run from feelings, I don’t have to run from pain and I don’t have to run from opportunities out of fear of not handling them. And I don’t have to snoop in order to know the truth.
Toodles, Becca Jane 🙂